“How does it taste?” I eagerly awaited my father’s reply as he munched on my freshly baked cornflakes cookie. “Hmmm…not bad,” was the response. I was devastated as that was my fourth attempt at baking the cookies. I knew it was back to step one: identifying my mistakes and trying until the cookies are sampled without prompting. Well, that’s me: if I really put all my heart and energy into doing something, I will persevere until I hear the phrase “excellent job!”
I feel that baking resembles the hands-on aspect of chemistry in the sense that both demand perseverance. The ingredients and the instructions are there but there is no guarantee of getting the result. For instance, I learnt that for some cakes you need melted butter and for others, cold butter where the temperature and structural difference result in different texture of the products. This applies to synthesis of chemical compounds where formation of some salts or crystals is temperature-dependent. Besides, something may just go wrong and it is up to me to find out for myself what causes failures such as low yield, improper appearance of structures or deviations of experimental values from theoretical ones. Persistency is required as the process of identifying my mistakes can be time and energy-consuming.
There is no way one can whip up a chocolate torte by just watching Nigella Bites. The same goes for a chemical analyst; perseverance is a necessity and I am certain that with this strength of mine, I will be able to take the challenges posed by this position in my stride.
UCS1001 MME Tri2 2023-24 Dynamic Thinkers
2 weeks ago
Hi Wanwei! This is an extremely interesting personal statement. You actually managed to link cooking with chemistry. haha! Also, I feel that you have done a good job in linking that experience to your best strength: perseverence.
ReplyDeleteHowever, just a few points to take note. I think it is rather inappropriate to put "Hmmm... not bad" in the 1st paragraph as this is a formal personal statement after all. You could replace it with "Well, it was not bad only." In the last line"...take the challenges posed by this position in my stride." What position? I think you should describe it in 1 sentence at least.
Other than that, good job!
Hi Wan Wei,
ReplyDeleteYour statement is clear and concise which makes it easy to understand. You have made very specific reference to chemistry terms which I find it very interesting and impressive. I also like the way you end your statement.
One minor suggestion: I feel that you can try to introduce “perseverance” in the first paragraph.
Cheers,
Chee Siang
Hey Wan Wei,
ReplyDeleteYour personal statement has a catchy, yet personal start to it, certainly satisfying what defines a personal statement. It fufils the 7Cs crtieria and is easy to understand.
Moreover, you've also managed to link your characteristic of perseverance with the job which you are applying for in an interesting way, which helps the reader to see why your perseverance is beneficial for your chemical analyst internship. Good job on that.
Just a slight note, I believe that it will be better if you replace 'make' in 'will make me take the challenges' with another more suitable word like 'help'.
Regards,
Abigail
Hi Wan Wei! Before I start to comment, I will like to first respond to some of the comments made before mine. With regards to Sarah’s comment, I think that “Hmmm… not bad” is an okay phrase since it is used to describe what your dad replied you in the past. Moreover, I think you did mention about the job position of ‘chemical analyst in the phrase before mentioning “this position” in the latter phrase. As for Chee Siang’s comment, I do agree with him and think that perhaps you can consider highlighting ‘perseverance’ in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe story in the first two paragraphs is of good relevance to the trait you mentioned – Perseverance. Even though a little self inference is required in the second paragraph when you talked about baking and chemistry, I am still able to do so as I close-read your personal statement. However, beware in this aspect as different readers have different forms of reading capabilities. Nonetheless, I like your mention of the first sentence in the last paragraph. Again, I can infer that you are saying that without perseverance, nothing can be done just by using ‘eye-power’.
However, I have a few thoughts in mind:
-Perhaps you might want to highlight the need of perseverance in the two aspects mentioned in the second paragraph.
-For the last sentence in the second paragraph, are you trying to say that they are time and energy-consuming RESPECTIVELY or they are BOTH time and energy-consuming? I am not sure if there is a problem but I think that this will make the sentence a little clearer.
-Instead of “The same thing can be said of a chemical analyst;…”, maybe you can consider rephrasing it to “The same goes for a chemical analyst;…” or “The same applies to a chemical analyst;…”.
-The last sentence in the last paragraph sounds a little awkward to me. Perhaps rephrasing it to something like “…this strength of mine will make me face up to the challenges posed by this job.” or “…this trait will give me the ability to overcome all challenges that may arise.”
Sorry for the long and naggy comment, but I really hope that this comment will be of great insight for you. Please correct me if I have given any wrong comments. Thank you and see you in class!
Regards,
Ivan
Wow! Very impressive, Wan Wei. This is such an effective and creative means of discussing your perseverance and and linking your study with a hobby. You've got lots of good feedback as well. (Ivan's advice seems right on to me.)
ReplyDeleteHere's another language issue: "...identifying my mistakes and keep trying until the cookies are sampled..." >> identifying my mistakes and trying until the cookies are sampled...."
Thanks for this!
Hey everyone!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading my blogpost and giving lots of feedback (Ivan's is particularly long...). I have edited my personal statement and hopefully it is much better now. Thank you so much!